What if
by tiny-crimson-cherry
Summary: What if Jace had died in City of Glass? Here is how I think Clary would "Cope" with his dead. I suck at summeries. It's my first fanfic in English, just to inform you R&R JWXCF


What if Jace had died in City of Glass?

Okay. You might think, Oh God Is this girl like Crazy or something like that?

Maybe.

It's just so, sometimes in bed I get to think, and then I get those ideas. And sometimes I think, they would be a good plot. So now I'm sitting here 00.30 in the morning and getting my idea on a sheet of paper. So I hope you like this fanfic though only the idea of Jace dying is breaking all our hearts.

Pain.

The only feeling Clary could show in the past few weeks was pain. Unbearable pain.

She hasn't been able to help him. Him. Jace. Her father killed the love of her love and she didn't help him. Now he was gone and wouldn't come back. Never.

Clary knew that Jace wouldn't want her to think like that but she couldn't stop herself since the day the numbness faded and her mind became clear again.

It had been a sunny day and a small breeze let the other shadowhunters on Clary's side smile though you could see the grief in their eyes.

Clary didn't smile. She wasn't even sure if she could ever again.

"Clary…"

It was Isabelle. She was standing behind Clary, carefully taking her hand, squeezing it lightly. Slowly Clary turned her head to face Jace's stepsister. She had dark rings under her eyes, which Clary never noticed on her before. It seemed like she hadn't slept that well either. Isabelle opened her mouth as if she was about to say something, anything that would make her or Clary's pain better but she didn't find the words.

After a few moments in silence, Clary turned away, let go of her hand and followed the others up the hill where she and Jace once been lying and kissing.

It seemed a lifetime ago.

When everyone started speaking, talking about Jace, even laughing about his jokes and about his behaviour she didn't participated or even noticed. All Clary could do was staring into the deep hole where they just put him before.

She knew, Jace would have liked that way of funeral though he was a shadowhunter with all his soul.

Clary didn't noticed her mother laying a hand on her shoulder and talking to her silently. "Love, you need to come home, everyone is already gone."

"I don't care.", she whispered.

Her mother sighed, kissed her lightly on the flame red hair, which had lost its volume in the last days, and went down the hill.

"You know where to find us, Love. Don't stay here for a lifetime, he wouldn't want you too."

Clary's lips started trembling when she heard those words. Her fingers locked about the necklace Jace gave her, ripped it off and laid it on his grave. Jace's grave.

She heard her mother walk away, but she didn't care. She didn't care about anyone anymore. Wasn't it her who cared always about them and not about her and Jace? And now, he was gone without getting the love he wished for and the love he deserved. It was up to her now, to stay by his side and to company him.

"Can you hear me?", she asked, looking at the small rock they used as a gravestone in which Isabelle had written his name and a sentence. "We hope, they don't have those flying motorcycles up there."

"Jace? Are you here?", she continued looking around and trying to find a hint of his presence. But there was nothing but the sun and the wind around her.

_I'll stay here, with you Jace. As long as its possible for me._

Possible turned out to be a very long time. Clary wasn't expecting herself to be so strong. Two days after Jace's funeral she was still sitting in the same position staring at the stone, touching it with her fingertips and letting the tears flow, which just wouldn't stop.

It was then, when darkness took over her body and she lost the ground under her feet. She was falling through darkness, hearing voices she knew and which were calling her name.

"Clary? Clary? Oh crap, why didn't we get her in here earlier?"

It was Alec.

"She's unconscious. She didn't eat or drink anything in days as far as I can tell."

Magnus.

But then there was one voice, Clary would recognize in thousands.

"Clary?"

The voice sounded surprised but her heart started hammering against her chest though.

"Jace?"

"Clary, what the hell are you doing here? It's not your time go back to where you belong!"

"Where are you? I can't see you…" Clary's voice was not more than a whisper but she knew, that Jace would hear her wherever he was, and wherever he was, Clary wanted to be there too. "I'm so sorry…" she whispered, but Jace didn't answer. Instead he put her around the waist and nearly threw her up in direction of the surface where she had come from.

The voices became louder, while she couldn't hear Jace anymore.

"Clary? I think, she's waking up", a familiar voice said in an excited whisper. It was her mother. Slowly Clary opened her eyes and looked around. She didn't recognize this room but she didn't care anyway so she didn't bother to ask.

"Did I dream all of this?", she asked instead and reached for a glass of water, that was standing next to her on a little table.

Suddenly everybody shut their mouth and looked nervously from face to face. Nobody seemed to dare to look at her. But that was the answer that Clary understood as well. The glass slipped out of her hands and burst on the floor to a thousand pieces.

Unconsciousness took over again, but this time Jace's mouth kept shut. When she woke up again, it was, as if something was running through Clary's veins which was forcing her to get up from bed and do something.

The problem was, she didn't know, what exactly she should do, so the first thing she set on her list was checking on the others after taking those little pills from the desk next to her bed, which she used to take when she was younger and still afraid of the dark.

Clary didn't know where they came from but she didn't care anyway.

Slowly she swung her bare legs out of the bed and walked, carefully looking around her, through the empty house.

Alec and Isabella were sitting in the kitchen of the house, Clary still didn't know together with Maryse. All of them looked exactly how she felt. Still numb and empty.

Isabelle was the first to see her and in less then a second, she stood in front of her and hugging her small body.

"We miss him too Clary, I know this is not making it any better but I want you to know. We want you to know. We lost our brother. Another brother."

"And another son", Maryse added, her voice shook by sobs.

Clary nodded and took a step backwards.

"I know…", she muttered and sat down on a free chair. "I'll go visiting him later…I just want you to know. You don't need to worry about me."

Alec looked up, the rings under his eyes even deeper as Isabelle's. He seemed wary but he didn't say anything and just looked in his cup of tea, as if he could see anything in there.

"What do you mean …later?" Isabelle asked carefully. "Mind if I joined?"

Actually Clary did but she just shook her head. "I actually wanted to go now. I can't stay here I get crazy in this house, doing nothing and just bothering all of you."

"You don't bother us Clary. God, don't you think that this is hard for all of us? We want to keep you here because you are part of this as well, just like us."

Clary didn't answer, just waved a goodbye to Alec and Maryse and left the house. Her bare feet touched the grass and they moved automatically in the right direction. A few moments later Isabelle was keeping up with her, her hands deep down in the pockets of her black coat.

"I can see you miss him", she muttered looking down at the red haired girl. Clary just gave her a pained smile. "Is it that obvious?" she asked silently walking up that hill.

"Yes. It is, but… Clary I understand."

_You don't_. That was all Clary thought, but she didn't dare to say it out loud.

Isabelle rushed forward and reached the stone, reached him, a few moments before Clary. She kneeled down and rubbed the stone.

Clary just stood by her and played with the necklace, all that was left from Jace. She couldn't even find a real picture of him, except of her sketches.

"Hey brother" Isabelle began to speak. It was as if she really was talking to Jace know. She told him about her days and how everyone was trying to move on. She smiled why she spoke and Clary was amazed how strong she was.

When she was finished Isabelle set a little peck on the rock and grinned at it. "Don't dare to be smug about that now."

Clary couldn't help but smile.

"I can feel him", Isabelle said slowly closing her eyes. "At least I think so." It was as if someone attacked her with a knife, pushing it directly in her heart. "I can't", she whispered. Tears filled her eyes. Again. Isabelle gave her a caring look, squeezed her hand once more and then left.

When Clary was absolutely sure Isabelle was gone, she sat down, ripping of her necklace and laid it on the rock. "Why are you with your sister but not with me? Do you hate me know? You got the right to. I've been cruel to you, though…I feel the same way as you did…though I pushed you away, nearly every time. And now, we're not even siblings and you're gone. All I want you to know is…I miss you. Everyone does. But they don't understand. Only you do and you're not here. Not even in the way you're here for the others. Do you want me to feel bad so bad? Or do you want me to join you?

I know, you don't want to hear this. At least I think so, but this seems so attractive to me. I kept saying to you, that our love would be sickening to the others. We cared about the others but what is about us? I regret every word I said to you in this context."

She was hugging the rock now and buried her cheek in the sharp material. Her small body shook and something was chattering in the pocket of her pyjamas.

Slowly, with shaking hands Clary got out the little box filled with white little pills. She had found them. She used to take them in scary nights, when she was only fourteen. "I always hated them, but they helped me to sleep. " Clary said, as if someone was asking for it.

"I can't do this Jace", she whispered, turning to the rock again, kissing it gently just as Isabelle did before. "Every breath hurts and I'm not as strong as Isabelle or the others. I wasn't trained to live with pain. I might be born as a shadowhunter but most of my life I lived as a mundane and,,, I don't know what to say Jace. Don't be mad at me, if you don't want to have me wherever you are, I'll try to find another place, but I need to see you again, even if it means, doing that".

Still with shaking hands, Clary opened the little box and took nearly all of the small white pills out and swallowed one after the other.

A few moments later, she could feel it. An overwhelming tiredness that became stronger second by second.

Clary smiled, curled around Jace's rock like she used to curl around his shirt in his room or around her favourite blanket when she had been a little girl. Slowly she closed her eyes, prepared to keeping them closed forever.

Falling.

Again she was falling through darkness, but this time, after hours, how it felt, she dropped on to something that felt like grass. Blending light surrounded her and she could swear to her the ocean behind her.

"Clary?"

Her heart started hammering again, as Clary slowly looked up from the ground where she was kneeling, to see the shining figure she was missing so much.

"Jace", she gasped, getting onto her feet and swinging her arms around his neck in excitement. "God how I missed you", she whispered into his ear and buried her face in the crook of his neck, but he gently pulled away. He had a sad expression on his face. "I didn't want you to be here that early." He sighed, reaching for her and gently played with one of her curls.

Clary couldn't stop looking at him in amazement. He was just like she remembered him. The blond curls were hanging into his shining eyes. Even the scares on his bare arms were still where they used to be.

Something on the ground, seemed to clear its throat. Jace began to smile. He seemed to know what it was.

A small figure was hugging one of Jace's legs, looking up at Clary in pure excitement. "Max?", Clary asked with a smile, kneeling down next to him. He seemed to be absolutely healthy and happy. "Everyone is coming, one after another. It's so exciting. I found many new friends."

He pointed out to kids in his age behind him. Clary's face fell for a moment. Nearly twenty kids not older then twelve waited for Max and waved into Clary's direction. She thought of their families.

Clary never saw Max that alive, he was nearly bouncing up and down. "I want to go Jace, please, let me go, I'll be back soon, I promise."

Jace looked at the kids carefully, but nodded then.

The black haired boy laughed, waved into Clary's direction and ran off to the kids. Jace sat down next to her and carefully took her hand.

"I wanted you to be here. But not now. Not because I don't want you here, but because I wanted you to live a life with the others. Clary, what did you thought you were doing, huh?"

"I…" Clary started with a puzzled look on her face. "Didn't you hear what I was saying after Isabelle left?"

He grinned. "Yeah I remember. Isabelle seems to cope with it the best." He got serious again. "Yes I heard you Clary and I'm happy about some things I've heard, but though we didn't have the time down there it means, that you have to kill yourself. Think of your mother."

He sighed, reaching out for her again and pulling her in her arms. Softly he kissed her on the wild curls and inhaled her scent. She smelled just like he remembered it. Like soap and fresh washed clothes.

Clary closed her eyes, put her arms around his neck and smiled happily. "It's beautiful here", she said nearly asleep.

"I know. Though there is not enough work for a shadowhunter", he said with laughter. Clary couldn't help but smile even more, opening her eyes, and leaning away from him, so she could see him in the eyes.

"I've missed that." She said.

"What?", Jace asked confused caressing her cheek with one of his hands.

"Your stupid jokes, they make me smile every time", she whispered.

"Only that?" he asked nearly disappointed and leaned a bit forward into her direction.

Clary shook her head. Her curls were bouncing up and down and tickled Jace's nose.

"Also that", she added, leaned even more forward and kissed him tenderly on the lips. She could feel Jace smile against her lips as their kiss became more urgent.

"Yeah", he muttered against her lips, as he pushed her on the grass and leaned over her "That is what I was missing too."


End file.
